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| Long time no update...so hello again xanga. I feel like I've had a lot on my mind in the past quarter to write about, but I come here and try to write about it, and it just doesn't come out right or I can't put it into words or something. Maybe this one will come out better.
Baptism, man.
Oh my goodness. The whole experience is impossible to put into words, into something that can be fully explained from one person to another. Maybe that's why those of us that got baptized together have a new sort of bond between us, because we all know. But wow. As I would imagine the whole process in my mind for the couple of years leading up to the actual event, and especially the month before actually getting baptized, I knew it would be amazing. But man, God blew my perceptions out of the water (literally? haha.) when it actually took place.
Changing into the white robes and thinking..."wow, this is really it, this is really happening".
Looking at some of my closest brothers in Christ standing there with me, all clothed in white, hugging them and thinking, "God, thank you so much for fellowship, for the family that you give us through your blood, and that we can share in a moment like this together".
Stepping into the waters of the baptism pool and instantly getting choked up as I am reminded of how great His love for me is, that I am forgiven and given new life in Him. Everything that God has done in my life comes flashing back to me in an instant as I stand next to Pastor Mark, now both of us with tears in our eyes as the grace of God falls so heavily upon that place.
"Do I believe Jesus Christ is Lord?"...with as much strength as I can muster, "Yes". "Do I believe He died for our sins?"....I begin shaking, "Yes". "...and do you believe Christ rose again on the third day?"...Oh the victory we have in Christ! How abounding is His love! "Definitely!".
"And now I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit"...and this is where it gets indescribable. I remember that split second of being surrounded by water and silence as my heart begins to well up with an overwhelming amount of love and joy as I am pulled up out of the water, resurrected in Christ and a new creation! The tears are now flowing quite freely as I give a huge hug to Pastor Mark, so thankful of what God has done in my life so that I could be at that place in that moment.
Now a huge smile is across my face as I walk back and join my brothers, very eager for them to get wet too so we can hug again, but now this time, together as new creations. As the others proceed to get baptized, man, the love was so strong in that place. There are no words to express that kind of feeling.
Then, being "reunited" in our baptism group as the guy side meets with the girls again and giving huge hugs all around as we are all overwhelmingly joyful at that point.
Now I think this is the next best part. Nothing can compare to that feeling I just described, but this definitely comes second. As we as a group walk back down to join the congregation, we are greeted with applause that we all know is celebrating and praising God for is the work He is doing and for the joy of His salvation. And just seeing the family of God just surround us with love and encouragement, man, I couldn't help but break into tears of joy again. Hugging all of them as I am "officially" part of the Body now, man, I don't think I have ever been happier to belong in His family.
Then I see my mom. Ramsin tells me he'll give me the second best hug of my life, but she'll give me my first. And seriously, as I hug her, I could feel she was so proud of me. She was so happy that God was working in my life. And I could just know at that point that dang, God was working in her heart too, and the thought of my mom finding salvation wasn't as far off as I thought. Just writing that still brings tears to my eyes.
I would say the rest after that is just a blur of being really, really happy and actually feeling quite clean. We all smelled like flowers for some reason, haha. Maybe the water was scented, or maybe God's anointing just smells good :P.
We say baptism is just a sign, a declaration of our faith and that we belong to Christ now, but seriously, I feel such a change in my heart since then. Sure, I'm still not perfect, but I can really feel the Spirit moving so much stronger in my heart. This feeling I can't really put into words either, but it's good. It's a constant reminder that God is good, and that He's doing something in our lives.
Well, I think that's about it. I hope it made sense, and if it did, I hope it encouraged you. :)
"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever." Psalm 30:11-12
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| (Heads up: this is a really, really long entry. Sorry. You don't have to read it if you don't want to.)
Hmm...this has definitely been an interesting quarter. I feel like I have discovered a whole lot about myself that I didn't even know I had. That's so strange...not knowing myself. It's true what people say though, college is for sure the time you really find out who you are. This quarter has been a time for a lot of new experiences? I guess too. Among other things, meeting new people, new friendships, new apartment, having church on campus, annndddd...leading small group. And I guess that's what I wanted to write this entry about.
Before the year actually started (and after I had already made the decision to be a small group leader), the small group leaders had a meeting together and talked about the upcoming quarter. Amidst all the good food and joking around, one thing was said that really stuck out in my mind, which was this: "Be vulnerable, but guard your heart, for it will be broken". And ya know, I really didn't believe my pastor when he said that, but it stuck out in my mind nonetheless.
Lesson 1.
As the year rolled around, after a week of fires among other setbacks, we finally had our first meeting. The plan was to meet together at a dining hall for dinner, then proceed to have our small group time. With my heart pounding, I sat down at a table near the door to wait for them to arrive. 5 minutes...10 minutes...20 minutes pass, and this huge sinking feeling begins to weigh down on my chest. Then, to my relief, one of my (very cool) freshmen showed up, and explained that there had been a lot of traffic and he had a hard time getting back, which was totally cool. Assuming no one else was gonna show up, we went on to have a good dinner together of getting to know each other and just hang out. We finished up, prayed, and went our seperate ways for the night. And while I really enjoyed the time I spent with him, I couldn't get the word "failure" from swirling around inside my head. Fast forward a day or so, and I learned the first lesson(s): Pastor Mark was right, and that numbers mean nothing. I had to open my eyes to my own pride and realize that no matter how many people show up or don't show up, there will be blessing there no matter what as long as the Spirit is present. Again, God blessed me in a way totally unexpected.
Lesson 2a.
After that first meeting, we ended up having more people come out, which was cool (but as I had just learned, not necessary). So with more people present, we had a couple chances to get into the Word and actual small group time. Sparing you the details, we would study the Word together, discuss it, then finish up by splitting by gender and sharing prayer requests, then praying for them. I surprised myself at how open I could be, but it was good. And as I listened to my group members prayer requests and thought about them afterwards, I learned my second lesson: Leading a small group takes your heart on a rollercoaster. When I would listen to their struggles, my heart would struggle right along with theirs. I would feel burdened by what the struggling with, in a good way I guess. It would really move me to prayer because of the concern I had for them.
Lesson 2b.
I feel like this lesson is very similiar to lesson 2, hence the part a. and part b., haha. Anyways, through different random occurances that have happened throughout this quarter, I learned the second part to this lesson: Leading a small group takes your heart on a rollercoaster in a really joyful way too. For example, on my birthday, I was just sitting around at home later in the day and letting the birthday pass me by I guess, when I get a call from one of my freshman, who then along with some of the other small group members, sing me happy birthday over the phone. And I can't really explain why, but it nearly moved me to tears out of encouragement and joy. A more common example is just reading the responses to our emails trying to find out who's gonna be attending for that week (or hearing it over the phone), and hearing that they are excited for small group, really does something to my heart that makes me overflow with joy. And I know that these examples really might not seem like much to most of you, and I understand that. But as I have these experiences, I really feel like God reveals to me on such a deeper level the idea of family that He always talks about in His Word, and it really makes my heart well up with joy even just when I think about it. I know I can't explain with words why I feel this way, but I do.
Jeez, that ended up being a lot longer and much more vulnerable than I thought, lol. But that's where I am right now I guess, and I really can't wait to see what else God has in store for us in the upcoming quarters.
*On a totally different and much less serious note, I've been listening to Christmas music almost nonstop since Thanksgiving. I love Christmas time :D
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| God is amazing. He answers prayers and comforts my heart even when I don't ask for it, even when I don't have faith in Him that He's listening, even when I think I'm a failure. I love how You work in my life in a way that's almost comical in how well Your timing is. I feel like I should write more, but I think more would just be redundant. God is so simple, yet so utterly complex beyond my understanding, and I love it like that.
"The devil's singing over me and age old song, that I'm cursed and gone astray. Singing the first verse so conveniently, he's forgotten the refrain: Jesus saves." -Shane and Shane
Amazing.
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| Brooke Fraser - Faithful
There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
i wave my arms' round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what i long for
[CHORUS]
When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the
same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear everyword I pray
And i want you more than i want to live another day
And as I wait for you, maybe I'm made more faithful.
All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
i still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So i whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tounge,
knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me.
[CHORUS]
[BRIDGE]
Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want
......wow. I want this to be my prayer. I want to be that desperate.
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| I know not many people read this, but I felt like after I wrote this just for my own purposes, I thought I might as well share it. So here it is, my testimony. It's really long, so I understand if nobody wants to read it, but since I don't really update this thing much at all, at least I'll have something meaningful as my most recent entry.
Bryce Kuboyama’s Testimony
So, I would say more than anything,
I was brought up with at least an idea that hey, God is a pretty cool
dude. According to my mom, my grandma
always taught me about God, how he was in the trees, and the wind, and in the
birds. And from what I can remember, the
family that practically raised me through my elementary years as a child taught
me a lot about Christian morals, and even brought me to church from time to
time. I would say that idea even carried
in to my junior high and early high school years, but it was more like church
is a “good idea”, something that I would try to go to when I had the time. It never really was something life-changing
or eye opening. So what made that
change? It would most likely had to have
been my perception of God, of His character, being altered from what I thought
He was to what He really is. And that
change came, from my best knowledge, in the summer in between my freshman and
sophomore years in high school. July 4th
or 5th, 2003, to be more precise.
In that summer, I was invited by a
friend to attend a church’s summer retreat, which would last somewhere around
three days. I had been to the church
once, and I thought it was a pretty cool place.
If anything, the one thing that caught my attention was that people,
even the pastor, actually seemed interested in getting to know me. I don’t think I had ever really been to a
church before that where the pastor, let alone any of the people, really wanted
to know who I was and about my life. So
I guess because of that, I decided to entertain my friend and go with him to
the retreat. I would say things started
pretty slow, the people were pretty cool and all, but I still felt sort of out
of place, like the people around me knew something I didn’t, a big
something. I wouldn’t say it really
bothered me much; for the most part the other kids included me in activities
and all, so I wasn’t bored or anything.
The crucial, life-changing moment
happened the last night we would be there, right before we all would go back to
our normal lives. The leaders decided to
have each team of people come into the middle of the small classroom we called
our sanctuary for those couple of days, and everyone else, including the
pastors and teachers, would come pray for each person individually. As I felt each hand lay gently on my shoulder
and hear people earnestly praying for my well-being, I began to be overwhelmed
with a sense of such great love, a kind of love I had never experienced before
in my life. I listened to people I
barely even knew crying out to God for my sake, for my salvation. And this is when I knew why people devoted
their lives to this God I had heard so much about. Not because they had to, but because of this
love that just overflowed from them that had begun to overflow from me as
well. As I stood there in tears of joy
and brokenness, I knew I would never trade this feeling for anything in the
world. God loved me, but not just any
kind of love, but the kind of love that reaches out to you where you are, no
matter what kind of person you are or what kind of past you have. And when someone knows they are loved like
this, they love other people in just the same way, to the best of their
capabilities. And that was it, that’s
all it took.
After that incredible moment, I
just had to go outside and just…I don’t really know how to explain it…just sit
and enjoy the love of God I guess. As I
sat out there under the beautiful night sky that I finally understood was
created by a beautiful God for my enjoyment, I was then overwhelmed with a
desire to act on this love. And I guess
you could say that really started the rest of my life. I realized that I needed to serve this amazing
God out of the best of my abilities, not out of obligation, but out of a kind
of love that overflowed into joy-filled service.
And that’s where you find me now,
still being blown away by the incredible character of a majestic God, and doing
my best to live a life that exudes praise and thanksgiving for what He’s done
for me.
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